Once again, mothers across the country will spend this Sunday sobbing silently in the bathroom between getting the kids dressed, pushing everyone out of the house, cleaning up the cat puke, starting the laundry so they can fold it later in the night, wrapping all the gifts for the other mothers in their life, making sure that CAN SOMEONE WALK THE FUCKIN DOG, resisting divorce while their husbands beam proudly that they helped the kids make pancakes and “Don’t worry honey, we cleaned up the kitchen but the pan in the sink will be soaking until you make dinner later.”
I have feelings about Mothers Day.
Last year around this time, I left my own family to do a 100 mile bike ride for Mother’s Day because I thought it would be easier than suffering through the holiday. A few days after returning home, I signed my apa’s hospice papers. This year, I thought it might be a hard time for my now widowed mother to reflect on the loss of her husband so I booked a ticket to see her in Virginia. In her effort to try to bond with me, she told me we could go to the gym, and specifically the swimming pool. Her exact words were, “You can wear short pants and a BIG t-shirt.” In the pool, Umma? IN THE POOL?!
I haven’t even packed my bags and I already want to unpack them. She’s obsessed with my weight and I’m obsessed with sending her to assisted living. WHY AM I GOING? It’ll be five days of insults, perplexing behavior, judgement, and boredom. She’s also canceled her internet, which is great for her because she’s on a fixed income and doesn’t know how the internet works. One time, I was watching television and swapped from her regular cable to streaming. She scolded me, “You have to put the internet back!” I explained to her I never took the internet and she proceeded to hound me in cycles every 15-20 minutes until I gave in and said, “I put it back, Umma!”
After that, we bought her an iPhone, which was followed by the same kind of anxiety riddled neurotic behavior. She’d have a thought, idea, or question and it had to be answered RIGHT NOW! She would literally hound me about the following:
Why new phone no look same as old one?
“Jackie Mom” have Kakao to talking to all her family, why this phone no have Kakao?
Show me facetime.
Show me texting.
Show me video.
Show me photo.
Show me, show me, show me!
She woke me in the middle of my sleep in the middle of the night to ask, “Why T-mobile texting to say make account online?”
For months, she would send me images and then clarify they were photos
Maybe you’re thinking, Elizabeth, she’s old, be patient, all old people need help with technology. Let me give you this story; after Apa died, Umma refused to invite me to his funeral, a man I loved as my only father figure for almost thirty five years!
Umma: No funeral, it’s just church. Pastor talk about Apa life and all his friends will be there and I bring pictures and we have lunch and my next door neighbor Mikey and his wife will play music and there’s a program, but no funeral. I sprinkle him on golf course.
Weeks after the nonfuneral that I was not to attend, I showed up to help Umma take care of his things as she asked. BUT SHE ALREADY DID IT! Instead, I put up 8 sets of blinds in her house that she wanted. While doing it, she called all her male neighbors and forced them to come over at 9 PM to stare at me as she explained to them that I was “girl doing man job!”
Here are some other wonderful mom highlights I’m sure while confuse you and find her endearing, which is why I haven’t left her in the middle of the woods, yet.
When she came for my kid’s graduation
Umma: I leaving and feel good in my heart because everything good here.
Me: Thanks, Mom.
Umma: Not like first time I come Chicago. Then, I feel saddening. I say Risa may never finding love.
Me: Uh, thanks, Mom?FYI - She calls me Risa, which is Lisa, because she has a hard time pronouncing my actual name Elizabeth.
At O’Hare airport in baggage claim where we agreed to meet
Umma calling from her cell: Where are you?
Me: At baggage, where are you?
Umma: I looking for you. Where I am?
Me: I don’t know. Umma?? Hello???
A COMPLETE STRANGER: Hi. Your mom gave me her phone. She wants to know where you are.
We visit her friend Chang
Umma: When Chang seeing you, she said you losing weight. I say NOOOOOOOO! She gaining weight!
We take the kids to the mall
My kid: I want to go there.
Me: Cool, just meet me and halmoni [Grandmother in Korean] back here.
Umma: You can’t let her go by self! She beautiful, somebody takey her!
Me: You let me go by myself all the time.
Umma: I know. (shifts eyes)
On a phone call
Umma: What you do now?
Me: I’m going out to dinner with friends.
Umma: Nice! Don’t eat any food.
Talking to my bro about his marriage
Umma: You dragon! You marry dragon. Dragon man and dragon woman hold hand and flying all around. They holding hand and looking all over! Two dragon have berry good luck, berry good!
My husband pointing to me: What about her?
Umma: Tiger.
My husband: What does that mean?
Umma: She tough.
When I visited her in crutches after tearing my Achilles tendon:
Umma (pointing at my leg): See what happen when monkey jump on bed?
Me: I wasn't jumping on a bed.
Umma: I know, but see what happen when people do stuff.
Her insight on men
Young men never listen to wife. Old men listen very good to wife. They know without wife, they die fast and all by themselves.
And lissssssten………...I love my mother, but my feelings are complicated and no matter how much therapy, reading, and reflecting I do, it doesn’t change who she is. Like it never occurred to her that I am giving up my very own mother’s day with my very own children, who I actually like, to show her love. Instead, I will be subjected to her telling me how I could bleach my skin to get rid of my freckles or how I can have a better butt with padded underwear or how much weight I could lose as I drive her two hours away to get her tattooed eyebrows touched up - which was a mistake when she first did it in the 90s and why she did it again, I don’t know! What I do know is while I’m an OK mom, I’m a pretty excellent daughter.
BONUS - When my kid asked her about me
My kid: What about mom? Does she make you happy?
Umma: When she was two years old, she make happy. I love her because she my daughter. Otherwise, no.
OBSESSED
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY Y’ALL! BIG HUGS to those who have complicated feelings about this holiday <3
Listening: I feel so dirty for crushing on this 26 year old, but I am MAD CRAZY IN LOVE with Chappell Roan. Here’s Good Luck Babe, which I’m listening to every day.
Streaming: Under the Bridge on Hulu has been interesting in the way they decided to tell the story but also a little confusing, but I love Lily Gladstone from Reservation Dogs and GIRL, if you’ve not watched Reservation Dogs, you’re missing out!
Obsessing: Years ago, Mike created a goth garden for me - a flower garden with black/deep purple plants and when spring comes, I’m always surprised and thrilled to see these fuckers pop up. The hollyhocks haven’t bloomed but these always give my heart hope.
Crocheting: STILL WORKING ON THIS GRANNY SQUARE PURSE. It’s mostly done, but it’s ugly and takes forever to finish the strap.
Patryk’s Gripe Corner
My bestie Patryk asked if he could have a corner of my newsletter for griping. I’m obsessed with Patryk’s need to improve everything. He blames it on his Polish culture but, I think it’s his love of dissatisfaction.
Y’all I can’t this week. I traveled to Poland last week with my brother to visit my dad who had surgery. If you think I complain a lot you couldn’t handle my brother. At one point there was complaining about the number of leaves on a tree. Today I think the world is perfect.
I wonder if Korean moms and lesbian moms have some secret pact, because I found this insanely relatable.
You are a wonderful daughter. Also, that garden is great.