My recollection of my childhood could be summed up in one word - lonely.
I spent a lot of time wishing my life would “happen,” not realizing that it was happening. What’s weird about life is that if you break it down, it’s always on repeat: Wake up, pee, commute to the thing (school, work, appointments), pee, pee, eat lunch, pee again, commute home, pee for a long time because commute, eat dinner, putz around, pee one last time, sleep.
I’m not sure what I expected to happen, but it often involved John Stamos. During my putzing time, I watched a lot of movies because I had no friends. When I started working, I assumed my life would play out in chaotic and magical scenes running through the mall with my goofy friends, falling in love with a guy who worked at a weird plant shop, or creating the perfect woman with my fictional nerdy BFF. I believed these were normal teen activities; that life as a John Hughes film was happening to everyone but me.
What I quickly learned was that life is hard and horrifying. That people are messy, and not in a cute way with a Simple Minds song playing in the background while you draw with dandruff, but in a way that affects who you become and damages others’ futures. Right out of high school, I learned my boyfriend’s siblings had all been sexually abused by their father. By the time I left California, my roommate was locked in her room for two weeks, caught in a crystal meth tornado after losing her visitation with her son. Shortly after moving to Chicago, I ran into an old friend from Cali on the Blue Line. She told me that after I moved, she came home and found her parents tied up and her brother shot in the head on the floor in front of them on Christmas! It was a cold lesson to learn as a young adult. Life is not the movies.
My response to it was to become delusionally optimistic. I was in a terrible marriage and pregnant with my first kid in a city I had never even visited. Again - alone and lonelier than ever, but ever faithful that my life would soon be GREAT! Maybe I’d become quirky and weird like Megan in But, I’m a Cheerleader - RuPaul would sweep me out of my house because my mother questioned the decisions I was making for myself. I’d figure out who I was and what I wanted after going through intense therapy that I then ignored to discover my real self.
Each morning, I put on my best Tracy Turnbald (Ricki Lake version always) and headed out to the West Loop for my job as a customer service rep at a digital print company. I threw my tiny heart into every moment of that job. I knew that if I worked hard enough, I would be promoted and maybe have some kind of future for the kid and me. My life outside of work was falling apart, but at work, I could dream. And maybe that dream would come true because I got the promotion!
My marriage WOULD work! I WOULD become a partner in this business! My coworker ask if he could cast me in a play! OMG! Obviously, I WOULD skyrocket to big city fame! AND I WOULD start a roller derby league, decades after it faded from popular culture. Clearly insane, except…I actually did start a roller derby league.
Little Elizabeth would never believe that the thing she was waiting for, the moment in her life that would change everything would be roller derby - an obscure sport that had died in the 70s being revived by a handful of women in the early oughts. This was far from Adventures in Babysitting.
I’ll write about how this all began later (or you can read Mike Sula’s story here) but two weekends ago, we celebrated the TWENTIETH ANNIVERSARY of the Windy City Rollers. TWENTY. It gave me all the feels, reminded me of a million moments in my life, but mostly, it reminded me that life consists of many small movements that actually make your life “happen” not one great gesture. It’s the small steps you take again and again that shifts your world creating enormous movie-like moments to fill up a reel.
Yes, it started with dreaming. Yes, it took a “We Can Do It!” attitude. Yes, I had to ignore all the ‘you’re gonna fail’ inner voices in my head, but the best thing I did was show up. Every time I was scared. Every time I was insecure. Every time there was conflict to be addressed. I showed up again and again and so did all the folks who would later become my incredible and supportive friend group.
I wasn’t a sports person. I was a movie person. Movies were the way to run away from the things that were hurting me. It was a space where for two hours, I could be in another life, be another person, and no matter what happened, it would all work out and there were always resolutions. And Edward Norton. I was waiting for a reason to “start” my life, when my life was already way past the beginning. I was 30 and in too much pain to face it any of it.
Playing roller derby was the exact opposite. I became a character in the story we were watching (to be clear it was nothing like that terrible Whip It movie). The deliriously optimistic me had to become someone who faced a lot of truths because that’s how team sports works. You have to learn some hard things about yourself and continue to show up after every failure, even when it hurts. No excuses. Don’t think about it. Just do it. I became keenly aware that even though I was in the same moment doing the same thing at the same time with other people, we were all experiencing it all very differently, Rashomon come to life. The hardest thing was learning that some things had no resolution, no ways to make it better, no justice. No Edward Norton.
While I was waiting for my life to become something amazing, I found out that’s not how it works. It’s more like roller derby practice - despite fears, insecurities, and anxiety, I had to fail, learn, adjust, trust the process, and my teammates. Instead of assuming I would lose, I had to find hope. I had to learn that time, practice, and reflection changes everything. Turns out when you give a little bit each day, suddenly it’s twenty years later and your life has become something completely different and something that makes you proud.
The truth is that if we were to jump into the movies, we’d see that all those characters’ day to day lives would be: wake up, pee, commute to the thing, pee, pee, eat lunch, pee again, commute home, pee for a long time because commute, eat dinner, putz around, pee one last time, sleep.
The great advantage we have is that our lives aren’t two hour movies, we get to explore further, try harder, and become new people again and again and again. I look back now and think what a gift it is to be here. What a joy to look back and see how showing up to fight day after day actually has paid off, even if I still feel like I’m in that cycle because every day is new. So I learned my life isn’t Little Miss Sunshine. Turns out I’m more Fight Club and honestly, I’m not mad about that.
OBSESSED:
Listening: Doechii’s Nissan Altima is giving me the energy!
Streaming: I watched Monsters on Netflix about Lyle and Erik Menedez murdering their parents. This happened when I was in high school and I was obsessed because I couldn’t believe that there were actual rich people that weren’t celebrities just out there living their lives and killing their parents. The show is over the top, but episode 5 was when I realized that they were trying to actually act. Don’t watch episode 5, it’s very painful and too deeply detailed IMHO.
Booking: I just finished Monday’s Not Coming, a story about a couple of young BFFs and one goes missing. It’s YA, a mystery/thriller that reflects on how we create systems that are meant to protect children but often fail. I don’t know that this is my favorite book ever, but I am heartbroken b/c I know that there is a lot of truth to the story.
Obsessing: I’m going to be teaching a writing class at the Lincoln Lodge and would love for you to join me. I KNOW! THE IRONY!
Crocheting: I bought this $7 crochet kit at Aldi and it was the perfect warm up to crochet season!
Patryk’s Gripe Corner
My bestie Patryk asked if he could have a corner of my newsletter for griping. I’m obsessed with Patryk’s need to improve everything. He blames it on his Polish culture but, I think it’s his love of dissatisfaction.
Ugh Reddit, stop asking me if I want to open the app. If I wanted to use your app that’s where I’d be. Why you so annoying?!
Um… Just THANK YOU for raising general cultural awareness of the importance of Adventures in Babysitting! (If more people lived by the ethos of this film, America *would* truly be great again!)