My boyfriend/future ex-husband was en route to Chicago from California while I sat in the dark next to Logan Square Monument. The monument is a concrete pillar with an eagle perched on top looking over a tiny oval shaped park. I just moved to the neighborhood. It was the end of July, which, in Chicago, means that even at night, your skin is sticky, the air is damp, and the wounds from your chafed thighs are on fire. Next to me was an older lady shuffling through her plastic bag, laying out a little dinner for herself on the grass. I stared because I love sausages and she was pulling one tiny meat stick out after another. When she suddenly turned to look at me I hoped she’d offer me one. Instead she said, “Ohhh, you’re really in love.”
I was an idiot in my early twenties and was really shocked at this stranger just blasting unexpected information in my direction. I took it as a sign that my life was about to change forever and it did…..but not in the way I hoped.
I enjoy revisiting this moment because I’m not someone who believes in “fate,” or fortune tellers, or any of that bullshit. In true Aquarian fashion, believing in such things really pins you down, man! What I do believe in is messengers. Whether it’s a person looking at a crystal ball or an old lady pulling out sausages from a reused Jewels bag, the Universe likes to send us messages when we’re ready to hear them.
For
’s birthday back in March, we decided to boot Chicago and scoot to the permanent sunset colored mountain landscape of Sedona, Arizona. We went with no real plans and very little information about the area, like that Bad Bunny was performing across the street from our hotel in Phoenix and his fans took up all the parking and this made the police very mad because they actually had to work.We quickly shifted from Sex and the City gals to full on Thelma and Louise, living out their Southwest middle-aged vortex fantasies. IMMEDIATELY AND SUDDENLY WITHOUT WARNING, we owned crystals. Not even half a day in, Adrienne was modeling a cowgirl hat and wondering if she needed a bolo tie. I wondered if we should get peyote and begin a spiritual journey. I imagined a life in which turquoise was the main focus of my wardrobe, and my destiny was to be a Saguaro farm owner with a barn full of leathery skinned young men addressing me as ‘ma’am.’
Since not a single drug was offered, we did the next best thing - an aura reading. For those of you who are not familiar, your aura is the energy that emanates from you, aka your vibes. You can have your aura photographed and interpreted to learn more about yourself, similar to horoscopes, the enneagram, etc. Adrienne is an expert in aura readings because she had hers read twice at Andersonville Midsommarfest, a place known for ancient spiritual pathways opened by retired lesbians and first-time gay dads.
We decided to hit up Sedona Healing Arts because can you ever have enough crystals? We were filled with optimism that these rocks would keep our children safe and happy, help our families be financially secure for life, and ensure that we will both have full heads of compliment-worthy hair even when we’re just bones laid down in the dark. YES, I WANT GREAT HAIR EVEN AFTER DEATH.
A white woman - not a pink-cheeked with undertones white lady like Adrienne, but more of a ghostly “somebody must have scared all the color out of her” white lady - welcomed us. Wrapped in a shawl, she spoke softly and gave off the aura that she was happy about a future where these two tourists would drop $70 (plus tip) for 30 minutes of her time. She walked us up to what looked like a home printer with slender metal rods shaped like digits and pressure points of hands. This was the tool that would do our biometric readings, then it interprets those readings into facts via pie charts and graphs. You know it must be real information if a pie chart is involved.
She went through what each color represented, what things were the strongest about our personalities, and what things we could work on based on the colors. Then she started getting very specific. For many years–and in several of my newsletters–I’ve struggled to find my way back to normal post COVID. Not only have there been major changes in my family, but internally, I’ve been through a lot of changes and redefinitions and rediscoveries of myself. It’s felt painful, weird, and strange, just like growing should feel! The most difficult thing for me has been learning to let go of certain painful feelings and conflicts I’ve carried for a long time.
Here I stood, in the middle of the desert, staring at sweet, pale-faced lady (she was concerningly white, y’all) wondering if she’d glued rods onto a printer, or if it actually was a biometric reader. Then she said all the things I’ve been waiting to give myself permission to do.
Stop holding myself at a higher standard than everyone else to the point that it’s paralyzing.
Understand that the fear and pain that other people share with me (because my aura reads as free spirited) can be too stressful and diverts me from my own goals so I need to start saying no.
People have to learn to figure out their own feelings and I don’t have to take responsibility for them, even if their feelings are about me.
I heard her clearly. I thought of Sitting in the Dark Elizabeth, fresh from California, hoping for a sausage and excited for the life that was about to start. I was transported to being on the Blue line heading to City Hall to get married, when my ex looked me dead in the face and said, “You don’t want to do this, do you?”
My hands suddenly bursting with sweat and then gulping out, “Of course I do.”
I think about who I might have been if I had said I was scared, unsure, and wanted to grow up first. Then I think about who I am because I did say yes and how lucky I feel now. I am conflicted AND ALSO her words resonated so deeply that my heartburn flared.
I think about what she said every day since, reflecting on other messages and relationships I’ve had. A core wound for me is the fear of being unwanted or doing something “bad” that makes someone want to walk away from me. DADDY ISSUES ANYONE? What she said wasn’t revolutionary to me, but I finally heard it. It’s a good reminder to listen, pay attention, and hear the signs that are around you that can help you shine. While you’re at it - buy more crystals! Why the fuck not?
OBSESSED
Song of the week - I quit RuPaul’s Drag Race for many years, but have been watching the seasons backwards, meaning I know the winner of the previous season at the end of each season I’m watching. I KNOW I’M INSANE. Anyway, this song by Bette Midler was featured and felt so good for this week’s newsletter.
Read Poisonwood Bible - EXCELLENT. Currently reading On Chesil Beach - I never knew how much I would love a book about a man, woman, and pubic hair.
SHŌGUN - Next week if the finale. Don’t be an idiot. WATCH IT AND WATCH IT AGAIN.
I watched every video I could about this.
Crocheting update - I’ve learned to make a fish and ran out of yarn, but here’s what it looks like so far.
Patryk’s Gripe Corner
My bestie Patryk asked if he could have a corner of my newsletter for griping. I’m obsessed with Patryk’s need to improve everything. He blames it on his Polish culture but, I think it’s his love of dissatisfaction.
So you asked about hyphenated last names for children, eh? They’re stupid. Just because the parents couldn’t settle on a single name doesn’t mean they should saddle their child with having to write two last names for the rest of their life. I’m exhausted just thinking about filling in all those bubbles on a scantron. Flip a coin, I don’t care.
Hilarious and I loved this. I left someone at the altar when I was a 20's beebee and it was terrible but it was the right choice--and then I got married when I wanted to and it was still a bust! So you just don't know--even our deepest desires are a leap of faith I guess, right?
"buy more crystals, why the fuck not?" is a great motto.
She also told me that information comes to me and it may not be mine. And that I can discard it. This has been awful, but also hard, because really I love information????